Dad jokes. They’re so bad, yet so funny. From one-liners to hilarious questions and answers, read the best dad jokes.
A dad joke is a short joke, one-liner, or pun said to be told by middle-aged or older men. Most often, they’re dads.
While they can be cheesy and make you groan, you can’t help but laugh.
Related: The Best Food Riddles
If you want a good laugh or need ideas for jokes to tell others, the following are the best dad jokes of all time.
Table of Contents
The funniest dad jokes ever
1. I asked my dog, “What’s zero times forty?”
He said nothing.
2. Guess what I told the police after I got arrested for stealing a bunch of encyclopedias.
Wait! I can explain everything.
3. Who’s that guy who just finished digging?
Doug.
4. What do you call an American bee?
A USB.
5. I drank invisible ink and had to go to the hospital.
It’s been 12 hours, and I’m still waiting to be seen.
6. What do you call a person without a body or nose?
Nobody knows.
7. Did the chicken or the egg come first?
I’m not sure, but I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
8. Jokes about paper aren’t even good.
They’re tear-able.
9. When I was a teen, I hated facial hair.
Eventually, it grew on me.
10. I was excited to hear that Apple might start building homes.
Then I realized it wouldn’t have Windows.
11. How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
12. What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
13. What does the baby computer call its dad?
Data.
14. Can February March?
No, but April May be able to.
15. I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food, and I eat it.
16. The child said, “Dad, I’m hungry.”
Then, the dad said, “Hi, hungry. I’m Dad.”
17. I was at the bank, and a man asked me to check his balance.
So, I pushed him over.
18. Why shouldn’t you tell jokes to an egg?
It’ll crack up.
19. The CEO of Ikea was elected as President today.
He’s still assembling his Cabinet.
20. What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI.
Related: The Best Star Wars Puns
21. Eye jokes are the best.
The cornea, the better.
22. One of my favorite things is when the Earth rotates.
It makes my day.
23. I tried organizing a hide-and-seek tournament.
But, good players were hard to find.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
25. I’m so good at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
26. Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
It only eats Brians.
27. Why do programmers prefer the dark?
Light attracts bugs.
28. How do you deal with a sad astronaut?
Give them some space.
29. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
30. Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
Remains to be seen.
31. Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
32. How do you watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
33. Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
34. What time do most people go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.
35. Why don’t skeletons like to go trick or treating?
They have no body to go with.
36. Did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
37. What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
38. What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
39. Did you hear about the vegetarian zombie?
It only eats grains.
40. What did the drummer name his two daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
41. If you see a crime at an Apple store, what does that make you?
An iWitness.
42. Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep-ends.
43. Which state has the most streets?
Rhode Island.
44. Why should you sell or donate your old vacuum cleaners?
They’re just gathering dust.
45. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
46. Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Yes, brochure.
47. Do you want to hear a joke about time travel?
Never mind, you didn’t like it.
48. Why did Noah have a hard time fishing on the ark?
He only brought two worms.
49. Why did the dad joke cross the road?
To get to the other sigh.
50. What did the sink say to the toilet?
You look a little flushed.
51. Why did the man walk into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
One-liner dad jokes
1. Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.
2. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
3. I was feeling bad about the future today. Then, I installed the latest version of Microsoft Office. It improved my Outlook.
4. My doctor told me to do lunges to stay in shape, but that would be a big step forward.
5. Singing in the shower is great until you get soap in your mouth. Then, it becomes soap opera.
6. I always bring extra socks when I golf in case I get a hole-in-one.
7. I put the car in reverse and said, “Ah, this takes me back.”
8. I tried to make up a joke about ghosts but couldn’t. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
9. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
10. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
11. I had a date last night, and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll try a cherry.
12. I think my wife is putting glue on my gun collection. She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
13. I want to go on a diet, but I have way too much on my plate right now.
14. I tell dad jokes but don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
15. I’d never buy anything with velcro because it’s a total rip-off.
16. I watched a movie about beavers. It was the best dam movie I’ve seen.
17. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
18. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
19. I bought a new pair of gloves, but they’re both for the left hand. On one hand, it fits perfectly. On the other, it’s just not right.
20. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but catscan.
21. Dad jokes are how eye roll.
22. I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes, he laughs.
23. I let my friend borrow my clock. It’s been a year, and he hasn’t returned it. He owes me big time!
24. The dark ages got its name because there were a lot of knights.
25. Once, I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
26. An Arial walked into the bar, and the bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.”
27. Be careful with chemical reactions in chemistry class because oxidants happen.
28. Corduroy pillows are so popular right now. They’re making headlines.
29. I’m afraid of stairs. They’re always up to something.
30. I once had a dream about floating in orange soda. It was a Fanta-sea.
31. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
32. I used to be a personal trainer. Then, I gave my too weak notice.
33. There’s a big Lego sale. People were lined up for blocks.
34. There’s only one way to eat a hard drive. One byte at a time.
35. I decided to invent a mind-controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.
Dad jokes about food
1. What did the baby corn say to its mom?
Where’s popcorn?
2. How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurized before you know it.
3. Do you want to hear a joke about pizza?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
4. Why was the little strawberry sad?
Its parents were in a jam.
5. Why are almonds and pecans friends?
They’re both nuts.
6. What did the grape say when it was squished?
It let out a little wine.
7. Why couldn’t the lobster stop making jokes?
It was on a roll.
8. What did the cupcake say to the icing?
I’d be muffin without you.
9. How do you compliment an apple?
Say, “You’re awesome to the core.”
10. What did the cocky pickle say?
I’m kind of a big dill.
11. What do desserts say as a pick-up line?
Pie like you very much.
12. Why did the students eat their homework?
The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Related: Hilarious Back-to-School Jokes
13. What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese.
14. What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
15. What do you call a fake noodle?
An im-pasta.
16. What did the fried rice say to the egg?
Don’t wok away from me!
17. What does a horse named Mayo do?
Mayo-neighs.
18. How is bread like the sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Dad jokes about coffee
1. Do you know what you are?
Brew-tiful.
2. Guess what?
Affogato tell you how great you are.
3. What’s it called when you feel like you’ve had this coffee before?
Déjà brew.
4. Why did the coffee bean call the police?
It was mugged.
5. What kind of exercise do coffee beans like to do?
The French press.
6. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
7. What does a barista do every morning?
Rise and grind.
8. Why shouldn’t you touch your parent’s coffee beans?
You’ll be grounded.
9. Why was the espresso drink overwhelmed?
It had a latte problems.
10. What did the coffee beans say on their anniversary?
We’re the perfect blend.
11. What Bob Marley song do coffee shops have on repeat?
Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.
12. How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.
13. Why do people call coffee mud?
It’s ground before you add water.
14. How did the hipster burn their tongue?
They drank coffee before it was cool.
15. What does a barista say to their least-favorite customer?
You mocha me crazy!
Related: The Funniest Coffee Puns
Dad jokes about dogs
1. What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
2. What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
3. Which dog is the best at keeping time?
A watchdog.
4. What do you call a frozen dog?
A pup-sicle.
5. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A labra-cadabra-dor.
6. Where do you go if your dog is missing?
The lost and hound.
7. Why do male dogs float?
They’re good buoys.
8. What kind of dog loves to shower?
A shampoo-dle.
9. How do dogs stop a movie?
They press paws.
10. What do you call a cold dog?
A chili-dog.
11. Why are dogs terrible dancers?
They have two left feet.
12. Why didn’t the dog want to play soccer?
It was a boxer.
13. How are dogs like phones?
They both have collar ID.
14. What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bulldog.
15. How do dog catchers get paid?
By the pound.
Dad jokes about cats
1. What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.
2. What do cat’s say after making a joke?
Just kitten.
3. Where do cats go for fun?
The meow-seum.
4. What do cats read in their free time?
Cat-alogs.
5. What’s a cat’s favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.
6. What is it called when a cat runs out of treats?
A cat-astrophe.
7. What do cats eat when it’s hot?
Mice cream.
8. What do you call a feline with a short haircut?
A bob-cat.
9. Why do cats always get their way?
They’re purr-suasive.
10. What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.
11. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed wool?
She had mittens.
12. What kind of car do cats drive?
A Fur-rari.
13. How do cats tell each other they’re important?
They say, “I knead you.”
14. Why couldn’t the cat read a book?
It was il-litter-ate.
15. How do cats cut grass?
They use a lawn meow-er.
Dad jokes about science
1. He threw sodium at me.
That’s a salt!
2. Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium are a couple now?
OMG.
3. Guess why I stopped telling chemistry jokes?
I never got a reaction.
4. What’s the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down its genes.
5. What did one tectonic plate say when it bumped into another?
Sorry, my fault!
6. What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms?
2 Na.
7. What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
You may have graduated, but I have more degrees.
8. What does blood say to be optimistic?
B positive.
9. What did the ion say to the other?
I’ve got my ion you.
10. How did the chemist read the book on helium so fast?
He couldn’t put it down.
11. What’s a pirate’s favorite amino acid?
Arr-ginine.
12. How do you know Saturn has been married several times?
It has a lot of rings.
13. Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
14. What do you call it when a biologist takes a picture of themself?
A cell-fie.
15. Why is electricity the most well-behaved student?
It conducts itself well.
Dad jokes about work
1. What’s the best part about teamwork?
You have someone else to blame.
2. How do you know my memory is getting worse?
I’m employed, but I can’t remember where.
3. What’s the best way to criticize your boss?
So quiet that they can’t hear.
4. Why shouldn’t you get a job at a paperless office?
It’ll be great until you need to use the bathroom.
5. Why did I get fired from the orange juice factory?
I couldn’t concentrate.
6. What’s the worst part about working at a calendar factory?
No days off.
7. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.
8. Why did the can crusher quit their job?
It was soda pressing.
9. How did the scarecrow get a promotion?
It was out standing in its field.
10. What’s the best way to get the most people to say bye?
Have a conference call.
11. Why did the taxi driver get fired?
People didn’t like it when he went the extra mile.
12. What did the manager say to the calendar?
Your days are numbered.
13. How do I use artificial sweeteners at work?
I add it to everything I say to my boss.
14. What’s a committee?
A group of people doing the job of one.
15. How do you know if your boss has OCD?
Don’t finish your work and see if they notice.
16. How do lawyers say goodbye?
We’ll be suing you.
16. My phone’s home button isn’t working.
I pressed it, and I’m still at work.
Dad jokes about dating and marriage
1. What did the lightbulb say on its first date?
I love you a watt.
2. What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.
3. Why didn’t the baker’s relationship work out?
Their partner was too kneady.
4. I once dated someone that collects magazines.
But, they had too many issues.
5. My partner asked to play doctor.
So, I kept them waiting outside the bedroom door for an hour.
6. Why is marriage important for men?
Otherwise, they’d go through life thinking they had no faults.
7. Why do photo editors get the most dates online?
They’re good at using Photoshop.
8. I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
9. Are you a single sock?
I think we’re the perfect match.
10. On a scale of one to nine.
You’re a ten-der.
11. Do you hear angels?
Because we’re a match made in heaven.
12. Call me Ariel.
Because we mermaid for each other.
13. Why wasn’t my wife amused about the jokes I told her while she was in labor?
I’m not sure. It must’ve been the delivery.
14. Are you a protein powder?
Because I’m whey into you.
15. Are you in the expedited line at the airport?
I can TSA PreCheck you out all day long.
16. My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.
But, I laugh more.
17. My wife said I have two main shortcomings.
She says I don’t listen and something else.
18. My significant other said if I bought one more stupid gift, they’d burn it.
So, I got them a candle.
19. The best gift my wife ever got me was a broken drum.
You can’t beat that.
20. I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine. It gets better with age.
Then, she locked me in a cellar.
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