100 Best Comebacks Ever


Shut down any argument with the most savage and best comebacks of all time. You’ll leave everyone speechless as you walk victoriously.

Person standing outside and laughing.
Photo courtesy of Canva.

The ultimate list of comebacks

1. You bring everyone joy when you leave the room.

2. At least I’m not as useless as the “ueue” in “queue”.

3. I would call you a pig, but that would be offensive to pigs.

4. I’m a shopaholic, but I’d never buy your bull.

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5. Why don’t you get into something more comfortable, like a coma.

6. Mirrors can’t talk, and lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.

7. I would slap you, but someone might call animal control.

8. Light travels faster than sound, which is why I thought you were bright until you spoke.

9. Are you almost finished talking? I need an intermission.

10. Someday you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.

11. You must have me confused with someone who cares.

12. Where’s your off button?

13. I’m jealous of people that don’t know you.

14. I’d agree with you, but we’d both be wrong.

15. If you run the way your mouth does, you’d be fit.

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16. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?

17. The trash is getting picked up tomorrow. Make sure you’re ready.

18. You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

19. Your face makes onions cry.

20. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

21. If you had a brain cell, it’d die of loneliness.

22. There are empty Petri dishes that are more cultured than you.

23. You should come with a warning label.

24. I haven’t forgotten the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.

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25. You’re my favorite person, aside from everyone else I’ve met.

26. There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.

27. You don’t have to think I’m beautiful because your boyfriend does.

28. There are two sides to every story, but you’re a douche in both of them.

29. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

30. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

31. Even a vulture wouldn’t eat you.

32. If you were a plant, I’d never water you.

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33. You’re like a cloud. It’s a beautiful day when you disappear.

34. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

35. I’m not a nerd just because I’m smarter than you.

36. Oh my gosh! It speaks!

37. I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know.

38. Feed your own ego. I’m busy.

39. Stupidity isn’t a crime. You’re free to go.

40. You’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right.

41. It’s fine if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

42. I’m certain that 90% of your beauty could be removed with a tissue.

43. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

44. Maybe you should eat makeup. You might become pretty on the inside.

45. Did you hear that? It’s the sound of no one caring.

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46. Surprise me by saying something intelligent.

47. Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.

48. The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage.

49. Grab a straw because you suck.

50. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.

51. I’m not a cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

52. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.

53. The only way you’ll ever get laid is by crawling up a chicken’s butt and waiting.

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54. Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. I don’t recall anything about morons.

55. You’re like Monday. No one likes you.

56. You can keep talking, and I’ll keep not listening.

57. I don’t know where you got your attitude, but I hope you kept the receipt.

58. I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

59. Earth is crowded. Go home.

60. I believed in evolution until I met you.

61. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.

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62. I don’t know what made you so stupid, but it works.

63. I love the sound you make when you shut up.

64. I should take off my glasses. You look way better without them.

65. Remember that time I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

66. I would say a joke right now, but I’m looking at one.

67. There’s a tree producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

68. Most people live and learn. You just live.

69. If I looked like you, I’d sue my parents.

70. Well, you’re worse than I thought.

71. You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.

72. The only way I could be stupid is if you’re rubbing off on me.

73. I don’t know what’s worse, your receding hairline or IQ.

74. You’re such a treasure. I just want to bury you.

75. It’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

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76. I’d like to confirm that I don’t care.

77. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

78. Do you see that door? I want you on the other side of it.

79. You’re so full of crap, the toilet’s jealous.

80. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.

81. You have a long ways to go before reaching mediocre.

82. If you’re going to be two-faced. At least make one of them pretty.

83. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

84. Your kid is so annoying, he makes a Happy Meal cry?

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85. Before you speak, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.

86. Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.

87. Oh, my apologies. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

88. I didn’t invite you to the barbeque. So, why are you all up in my grill?

89. Keep rolling your eyes. Eventually, you might find a brain.

90. Don’t be ashamed of yourself. That’s your parent’s job.

91. Did your brain take a laxative? Because there’s a lot of crap coming out of your mouth.

92. The last time I saw something exactly like you, I flushed it.

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93. It’s not my fault that your perfect description sounds like an insult.

94. The only thing you’re good for is being an organ donor.

95. You’re impossible to underestimate.

96. You’re beneath my lowest priority.

97. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

98. Mistakes happen. I mean look at you.

99. I’d give you a nasty look, but you already have one.

100. If I threw a stick, would you leave?

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Featured image courtesy of Canva.