75 Witty and Funny Responses to “How Are You?”


If you’re like most people, you respond with “Good” when someone asks how you’re doing. Spice things up with witty and funny responses.

Person waving.
Photo by David Em/Box of Puns.

How are you? It’s a question that comes up daily. Your typical response is that you’re doing good or fine.

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There’s nothing wrong with that. But, it doesn’t continue the conversation. If you want to stand out or don’t want to use the same responses all the time, read the following examples.

You’ll find clever, sarcastic, witty, and funny responses to the question, “How are you?”

Funny responses to “How are you?”

Two people waving and smiling at each other on a street.
Photo courtesy of Canva.

1. Better inside than outside.

2. Nice and dandy, like cotton candy.

3. If I had a tail, I’d wag it.

4. I’m wondering how you are.

5. My lawyer told me not to answer that question.

6. It depends on what or who I compare myself to.

7. I plead the fifth.

8. Nice and fine, like an expensive bottle of wine.

9. Upright and sucking air.

10. Somewhere between blah and meh.

11. The doctors say I’ll make it.

12. You first so we can compare.

13. Happy, and I know it.

14. I still haven’t figured it out.

15. I’m 34, and I feel like 104.

16. Can’t complain. I tried, but no one listens.

17. If I was finer, I’d be China.

18. If I was any better, vitamins would be taking me.

19. I’m ready for a nap.

20. Good, I am (Like Yoda).

21. I love you (It’ll catch them off guard).

22. It could be payday.

23. I could really use a massage.

24. I would say 9.99 out of 10.

25. Incredible, fantastic, and stellar. But, dead inside.

26. Busy slaying dragons. You?

27. Word on the street is that I’m pretty good.

28. Great! But, I’m totally biased.

29. I’m dancing along to the rhythm of life. It’s too bad I’m tone-deaf.

30. Dangerously close to being fabulous.

31. I’m high-quality, organic, and 100% grass-fed.

32. I’m medium-well.

33. Incredibly good looking.

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Witty and sarcastic responses to “How are you?”

1. Do you want to summary or long version?

2. It’s a secret.

3. Your attempt at social interaction is hereby acknowledged.

4. How about you?

5. Your attempt at politeness has been noted, fellow human.

6. Living the dream. So far, it’s a nightmare.

7. Next question, please.

8. Under construction.

9. Well, I’m sober.

10. I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

11. How do you think I am?

11. I’m still sucking air.

12. Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Financially?

13. Things could be worse. I could be you.

14. Still alive.

15. Why do you ask? Are you a doctor? Because I have this thing on my butt cheek.

16. Good, but I’ll get over it.

17. How am I doing what?

18. Wow! It’s been years since someone asked me that.

19. Seems like you have something to brag about.

20. I’ve slipped into the 7th circle of hell, and you?

21. Hopefully not as good as I’ll ever be.

22. Don’t ask because it’s too early to tell.

23. Slowly but surely dying.

24. Trying not to burst into tears.

25. Different day, same existence.

27. There’s still time for things to go horribly wrong.

28. Better than some, and not as good as most.

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Flirty responses to “How are you?”

Couple flirting on a sidewalk.
Photo courtesy of Canva.

1. Everything is fine with you around.

2. Better than I was before you showed up.

3. Emptiness without you.

4. It looks like heaven has finally answered my prayers.

5. I’m grabbing a bite to eat. Do you want to come?

6. Is that a pick-up line?

7. Talking to you makes me feel amazing.

8. I’m single and ready to mingle.

9. Okay. I’d be better if you asked me out.

10. Still single, in case you’re wondering.

11. How do you want me to be?

12. In bed?

13. I just met up with an old friend. He thinks I should date you.

14. I’d be much better if you gave me a kiss.

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